Here I Am

[tam]

This is the essay i just wrote for Mrs. George's class for 'A Time When You Needed Someone'. Or something like that. So it's called 'Here I Am'.

EDIT by Admin Black Sakura: Tam, I wasn't sure if you wanted to have this posted on here considering some of the contents...well I'll PM you.

[tam]

so i'm posting it anyways.

Being the wayward person I am, I make many mistakes. Many many many many. But still, someone is always by my side. Sometimes their support could be shown with something as simple as a smile and "How was your morning?" But this particular story has a little more meaning than that.

My boyfriend had invited me at least six months prior to a Catholic Convention. When he invited me, we were fine with each other, after a few months we were mad at each other, two months later we were okay again, but about a week before the event he was mad at me. Without thinking, I had done something really hurtful and mean to him. I realized what I had done only after the fact, and was devastated. In his words, it was like he had been "stabbed in the back with a pair of blazing white hot katanas." I apologized profusely, even underwent his verbal abuse for my actions. He had said he really, really wanted to forgive me, cause he still really liked me, but he couldn't. He wanted time, so I didn't call.

Then the convention rolled around. He was jerky at first, and I brushed it off because I knew that compared to how much I was hurting, I was surprised he hadn't died yet. We went to the teen mass, and that's just how things were for the first day. But on the second day, something special happened.

That was the day of the healing mass. We were all instructed in a new form of prayer, and at that point the world disappeared to me. It was just me and Jesus. And he was listening. I told him everything and when I was done, for the first time in my Christian life, God spoke to me. I'm not even kidding. I was so… touched. I didn’t know what to say, I was just almost… in shock. Then we were all given glow-sticks to symbolize the burdens we were giving up to Christ. Then we started singing. That's when I lost it. Tears started just running down my face and I was shaking and couldn't even speak.

Suddenly, my boyfriend put his arm around my shoulders and guided my head to his chest. He rubbed my back comfortingly and whispered, "It's okay, Tam. Don't worry… we'll get through this. Don't worry, cause I'm here for you. No matter how much I say I hate you, I really care, and you know where to go if you need anything." He gave me a box of tissues and I ended up making a little pile of them. When I could speak again, the first thing I uttered was, "How could you be so good to me?" "I don't know…" was his only reply. I thanked him in my tired voice, and we just sat there for a while, while he kept rocking me back and forth whispering reassuring things. He was just so kind and gentle, holding me like that, even kissing a tear from my cheek. I was so… shocked. Had my prayers finally been answered?

As he walked me up to the Eucharist to lay our glow-sticks down, we both kneeled and prayed. In the few minutes there, so many things ran through my head. 'Thank God that he's supporting me through this mid-teen crisis, but will he always be there like he says? Is this kindness a temporary exempt because it's a special event we've been planning so long? I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but is God the only person I'll be able to turn to when it's over?' At this point I was almost getting frightened, my boyfriend was my bestfriend and I had told him everything! I was scared to have to start over and make those kind of bonds with another person, whether it be a new boyfriend (if he decided to dump me) or one of my other friends. Then I decided I was worrying too much. I'll think about that when the time comes.

We went back to our seats and were anointed with holy oil. The priest prayed over us, as did a few other people. The my boyfriend asked for some time alone, and went to be prayed over with a nun. Then he took me to confession. I felt so much better. Like a new person. And my boyfriend was still nice to me. Until the convention ended that is. But after one more normal day, things were back to normal. He was kind, he accepted me. I was so happy, and I continued my prayers with God daily (as was my penance for confession).

We've talked. We've prayed. And now things are working out, and I'm so glad that I'm cared about. There have been times in my life where I thought there was absolutely no one. This incident proved me wrong, and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

A song that i wanted to add but forgot to, it's title inspired the title of my peice:

Here I Am, Standing Right Besides You
Here I Am, Do Not Be Afraid
Here I am, Waiting Like A Lover
Here I Am, I Am Here

[Black Sakura]